Yes, we did fall off the face of the earth...

I am going to share some troubling things of where we have been in the last months. I just want to explain first that I dont share as to uncover sins, to complain, or even out of depression or self pity. I share to praise the LORD!! To share how, yes, sometimes he really leads us through the valleys, how sometimes he allows the enemy to attack in severe ways, He allows us to go through the fire and why?...what for?...Sometimes its because of sin, but most of the time its not. Sometimes we are lacking something in our character that can be produced through trials and tribulations. Sometimes its to be refined to become that much more beautiful and in His image. And sometimes its for no other reason but to prove to ourselves, to the world, and to Satan that no matter what happens in our lives "I will serve and praise the Lord!!" Not that I compare myself to the righteousness and integrity that Job beheld, but I really felt like Job lately. Every avenue of my life has been scarred. I lost almost everything. As you know we had to move back to Oregon. We had to sell everything we owned in order to get here. I had to quit school and job. So we didnt have much left. We are living in a travel trailer with an outhouse which was only intended to be temporary (1 month at max is now 5). So I lost my home, my feeling of having my space in this world, my feeling of security, my feeling of rest, my feeling of 'home'. We couldnt find jobs (believe it or not this was a shock to us, never had a problem before). So we then lost our vehicle, feeling of self worth, any bit of pride. This was very humbling. But this was all material things, my worldly posessions. Then I lost my husband. You see, the past few years have been tough for Ben in so many ways and he had gotten so angry and so bitter. He was especially angry with me and God for a long time. He had lost his way and I was losing my will and desire to be married to him (I feel very ashamed to say it but its true). I knew I and the kids needed the families support through this time and thats why we moved back. Which was a good idea, because not long after we got here he called it quiting time. That was it. I became a single mother, my kids were crushed and in terrible pain. And I felt like all this time of trying so hard to hold it together, so hard to keep a healthy normal life for my kids, so hard to protect them from this kind of thing, this kind of pain, and I had failed. It was so out of my control that all I could do was hold them and cry with them. And share with them that even though this was truly a horible experience for them, that Jesus was still here and He still loved them so much and even though we dont understand now, to have hope that Jesus still had a plan for us. By this time, the hurt and pain I felt for my kids and myself was almost too much to bare. Also during this time, my niece whom I adored went onto heaven. I was attacked by a stranger (my kids with me) and she accused me of hitting her car because her child said I did while she was in the store. She had no marks on her car and we know we didnt but she is now trying to sue me. Because of this I kept getting pulled over by the police on a daily basis, never getting a ticket though. And then on the 5th night of this adventure the car that I was using broke down at 10 at night as I was coming home. Also dealing with trials of my kids being attacked in various ways. Also, problem with my health that I deal with off and on, came on fast and furious since we've been in Oregon.(By the way, the Lord did give me a temporary job for a couple months through this time.) I got to the point where I was thinking, if I just didnt make any sudden moves, if I didnt breathe, if I just sat really still, if I didnt talk, if I could hide away this season would leave me alone and pass by but I knew I couldnt do that. So I just prayed and prayed and held onto Jesus for all I was worth and loved on my kids and tried to keep instilling hope in them and trust in the Lord. And when we were in the car we would praise to the tops of our lungs at times and sometimes with tears. Then one day coming home, singing praises to the Lord as we sang,
"Blessed be the name of The Lord, Blessed be Your Glorious name. You give and take away, you give and take away. I will CHOOSE to say, Blessed Be The Name..."
As I was singing it dawned on me that this song is taken from the book of Job, from what Job said as his wife left, his health went sour, his possesions were gone and even when his children had died!!!And then the Lord reminded me, "You have been singing this song all along and so have your children." And I remembered, everytime something would happen (because at one point it was a daily basis) I would lightly say, "Well, 'The Lord giveth, and The Lord taketh away'" And I relized it was an acceptance that it was all completely out of my hands, its ALL in HIS hands. And all along He was giving me peace, beyond my circumstances. And I have never felt so solid in my faith and trust in Him. I truly trust in Him and whatever path He leads me on. And whatever things that are beyond my control in my childrens life, I really do trust HIM!! And I envisioned this huge crazy storm around the kids and I, but we were like in this bubble. Life can be truly horrible at times, but we will serve the Lord and praise Him. PRAISE HIM!! So, this must have been the Lord letting me know that this season was finally going to pass. Right before Christmas, Ben made a 180. I guess the Lord had been doing some deep stuff in his heart and he repented...to God and to me. And we are reconciling our marriage. There is a difference in him that I haven't seen in him in a few years. But its still step by step and prayer by prayer. But this is the biggest thing in my life and my kids life, and the Lord is truly miraculously restoring. And I have seen a great strength in my kids. The Lord has become more real and more tangible to them. And if the Lord does allow us to continue on our trailer adventure I still make this proclamation, BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!